Elderly Woman Portrait

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist: "Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex."

The confused artist said: "But you're not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said.

"But if I die before my husband,I'm sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelery."

Ways to "suan"(criticise) a person

1. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

2. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you!

3. If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!

4. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

5. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,

"Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Positive

Man: "Oh God, please help me! My life is so negative now. My son is a drug addict, my daughter is a prostitute and my wife is a gambler."

God: "Is there anything positive in your life then?"

Man: "Yeah, I'm HIV positive!"